Scene 8: Pick Pocketing Don Rickles at the Comedy Awards

by Memoirs of a Seatfiller

A little less conversation… a little more action…. “Picture it”… New York City 2012… Hammerstein Ballroom

Seatfillers in waiting:

Taken to the holding area.

Music provided by The Roots… amazing!!

Guests and glitteratti begin to filter in…

Chris Rock introduces the first award of the night.  Hilarious as usual.  Still waiting for my turn down on the floor…

Make it down to the Main Event. Finally!!  My view from the sidelines….

Tina Fey in black and Will Arnet (Posterior views).

Amy Poehler in red.

Put me in coach!!  Seatfillers on the move…

So I finally get placed – I sit in place of Will Arnett.  Tina Fey is literally breathing down my neck [look at previous photo of Will Arnett sitting diagonally in front of Tina Fey].  As I pull out the chair I almost smash it on her foot.  Smooth.  Then as I sit there I realize the awkwardness that her and I are merely inches away from each other (the chairs are angled so she is facing me and my back is to her).  Umm this is weird.  Do I say something?  Do I look at her?  So I turn and look at her – we make eye contact.  She smiles politely and I just stare at her and say…. nothing. What a dope.  Just say anything stupid instead of being a total creeper.  But… nothing.  I loathe me right now.

My view from Will Arnett’s seat:

So then I get moved. See you later Tina… Call me – drinks sometime.  

Next stop… Tracy Morgan’s seat.  What he left? I get to sit here all night!  Sweet!!!

Me in Tracy Morgan’s seat…

View from Tracy Morgan’s seat…

As the night goes on – I look down and notice something sparkling next to my dinner plate.  What is that?  It’s a gold rectangular card… “This ticket is good for one admission to the after-party at Del Posto.”  Holy shit… I need that.  After-party at Del Posto??  That would be a-ma-zing.  But can I just take it?  Well Tracy Morgan obviously doesn’t need it… he went home.  This other seatfiller is eyeing it – better make my move!  I point “Oh my god it’s Chandler from friends, I think he’s looking at you!”  “Where???” she states.  Boom.  Success.  Ticket in hand.  Thank you Matthew Perry!  (Singing in my head) I’ve got the Golden Ticket… I’ve got the Golden Tickeeeeeetttt….

More of the show….

So as the show concludes we all gather to watch the Gliterrati of Hollywood congregate to take a giant picture on stage.  My brother walks up to me…  “Any success?  Did you find me a ticket to the after-party also?”  Sadly I had to say “Damn George – I looked but I couldn’t!”  He says, “It’s cool – just go without me.” What??? Have I taught this boy nothing??  I say… “George, I once heard the expression ‘I know when they say no – they don’t mean me.’  I’ve lived by that motto.  Now go find a ticket.  Go GO GO!”  So inspired George runs off as we watch the commencement…

George returns in a haste.  “Ok lets go.  Lets go…now.”  I reply, “Did you get one?  You did – I can tell.  Where did you get it?”  The next statement that came out of his mouth was one I never thought my ears would hear in this lifetime, “I think I just jacked Don Rickles’ ticket to the after party.”  Me: “Don Rickles? Don Rickles?  The man who is being honored tonight and given the Johnny Carson lifetime achievement award?”  George concludes, “Yea exactly.  He doesn’t need it to get in.”

“then after the show, it’s the after party…” Del Posto (and all your delicious food) here we come…  red carpet and ropes.

Breath held… are we gonna get in…??


(Me and Robin Williams)

(Me and Ed Helms)

(Me and Amy Poehler)

(Louis C.K, Maya Rudolph and myself).